Never Surrender Blogfest: "This Is My Life"

The Never Surrender Blogfest is hosted by YA author Elana Johnson at ElanaJohnson.Blogspot.com from June 11 - June 16, 2012.

Hey, everyone. This is a post for a really cool blogfest that caught my attention this week. The challenge is to blog about a time, any time, that you didn't give up when giving up seemed like the most tempting thing to do at the time.

Writing about stuff like this is uncomfortable for me because I have to write about my personal life, and I hate doing that. Nevertheless, I love to read other people's inspiring stories. I'm not saying I think my story is so worthy to inspire others because it probably isn't, but maybe I should give a little back instead of always taking, so to speak. 

"This Is My Life"

Once upon a time (way back in 2000), when I was a seemingly healthy 23-year-old, I was attending a local university here in Southern California and just living my life, trying to keep up with school and friends. One day, I woke up and felt very "off." I was getting really tired, more tired than was warranted and I had problems with my blood sugar levels always plummeting way too low. I was experiencing a physical breakdown on an overall scale. I went to a doctor and had a ton of blood tests done, but they indicated nothing was wrong with me.

Something definitely was wrong with me, but doctors either couldn't help me, or wouldn't help me. I suffered a great deal because I seemed to have some baffling illnesses that weren't clearing up on their own, no matter how much time passed. I barely managed to graduate from college, and then I only did because I refused to give up on achieving that goal. Right afterward, I got sicker--much sicker. Doing anything with my life right after college was completely out of the question. I was lucky I could get myself out of bed most days.

Without medical help, I realized that I was on my own. If I was ever going to get better from these chronic, weird, unexplainable ailments that were ruining my entire life, I had to do it on my own. That year just after I finished college (2002) was one of the hardest of my life and I'm amazed I got through it at all. The only reason I did was because I refused to give up on getting better one day. I was determined to be the last one standing because these illnesses were going to leave before I did. 

I sound like I must have had such a "gung-ho" attitude at the time, but really it wasn't like that. I just kept on keeping on, day in and day out, and on the surface, I'm sure I looked like I wasn't doing anything productive at all. But, I was studying all about herbs and naturopathic ways of healing my body--ways not popularly practiced by most people. I taught myself a lot of things and learned more about how to take care of my body than most people ever believe they need to know. 

By 2003, I was doing somewhat better because I figured out how to either manage my ailments, or just outright cure them. You may have noticed I haven't mentioned which ailments I had. They are typically considered chronic and life-altering, but not life-threatening, and I'd rather not get into the specifics of what I dealt with on a day to day basis.  That would require a long tome and would distract from the purpose of this post. Forgive me for not being more transparent and just wanting to keep a level of privacy in that regard.

But, back to my story: I was by no means "out of the woods" when 2004 began. In fact, I had many more hurdles to jump over, but I did cure some more ailments on my own. Oddly, I still had many left to heal and even gained a few new ones. That was the story of my life back then. Heal a few, gain a few new ones in their place. Ugh... I was a walking magnet for all diseases known to mankind! (Of course, I didn't literally have every disease--I'm just exaggerating here.)

I think two of the worst years I experienced were 2005 and 2006. The emotional toll my physical ailments had taken was too much for me and I had several nervous breakdowns. Nothing that required me to be hospitalized, thankfully, but they were bad. Even small nervous breakdowns are traumatizing, if you've ever had one. I say these two years were when I truly knew what Hell was like because I was there. I remember thinking back in 2006 that I was never going to be happy again, and I'd just have to accept that as a fact. I really did not believe I'd ever get over those unstable, crazy, overkill emotions in my lifetime.

But, the funny thing was... I did get better. By 2007, my emotional state improved a lot and I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, even so very small. But, it was something to hold onto, to live for. I still gained a brand new physical ailment that left me almost entirely housebound, but I learned how to nourish my body with the nutrients it needed and my mind started to recover. I learned some Eastern energy healing techniques, which took years to learn correctly, and by 2008, I was finally healing from my physical ailments and my remaining emotional ones, as well. 

Since that year, it is has been a healing journey with every year blessing me with more and more vitality and health. Not that every year since then has been so easy, because it hasn't. Life happens when you're living it, and I've been no exception to the rule. It's just harder to deal with real life problems concerning your family, friends, living situation, etc. when you're already facing so many adversities without them added to the pot. But, they all faded away, too, in time, just like they do for everyone else. 

Today, I'm still not 100% healthy, but I'm healthier than I've been in a dozen years. That's saying a lot for me! I missed out on doing a lot of things that I figured I would do with my life when I was younger: starting a career, getting married, having and raising children. But, I don't feel like I've missed out on these things, even if they are missing from my life. They are simply things I never did, just like how many people never learned to speak Chinese, or joined NASA and traveled into space. I don't mind that I never did those things because I had to have my own journey in life, and I'm happy. 
   
I'm an author-in-training now, and I highly doubt I would be if I hadn't had all these hardships that "got in the way" of my life. Being a published author is my longest, fondest dream. Despite that, leading a "normal" life would have been the death of it because I would have had no drive to accomplish it. Did my hardships get in the way of my life? Or, was it that I was never on the right path to begin with? 

I now understand the saying, "to find yourself, you must lose yourself." I think by getting lost, I found who I was always meant to be. It was that difficult journey of perseverance that made me stronger and showed me who I really am. It got me to realize I need to follow a different road from everyone else. 

This is my life, and I have to forge my own path. It's hard and I always feel like giving up, but it's been totally worth it, so far. And, I know it will continue to be....



If you've read this entire post, then pat yourself on the back for being perseverant, too! I'm shocked you've made it this far with me. ;)