IWSG: The I've Tried to Quit Many Times and Failed Edition... (#28)

Insecure Writers' Support Group (IWSG) is a really awesome meme that you should be doing along with the rest of us writers. Unless you truly are happy with your writing and don't feel the need to vent about your insecurities because they don't exist for you. But, really.... Don't they?  
IWSG is hosted by Captain Ninja Alex at his blog, Alex J. Cavanaugh.

This month's IWSG question is, "Did you ever say, 'I quit'? If so, what made you come back to writing?"

I have to laugh at this question because I've tried to quit writing so many times over the last twenty years, it's better to just drop the first part of the question altogether. I've been a very insecure writer for a very long time. I remember about ten years ago giving it up completely to become an 'artist,' but, after a year of even MORE struggle and toil (as if it could get any worse), I started writing again and realized it was so much easier than drawing people and things realistically.

But, again, I tried to quit only a few years ago because I was a silly newbie writer (was still in that newbie phase, which lasted a significant number of years) who conflated how I felt about writing a particular novella with how good the novella was. Or, I just didn't even think about it's quality. I don't even know, but I got some supremely harsh feedback that was honestly inappropriate and needlessly rude, and proceeded to metaphorically fling myself off my writing roof.

Only for a few weeks or so, though, did I quit before I was back to it, again. So, that lovely former critique partner didn't succeed in whittling down the competition, after all. Although, I was forever changed by such a blindsided hit, but it was a good change, as I can see now. It certainly woke me up to how truly crappy of a writer I was at the time (perhaps, still am).

I proceeded to go through a difficult phase of writing that probably every creative person goes through, which is flipping HATING the thing you used to love doing the most. Writing was no longer fun and it was then that I had the best reason to truly throw in the towel. But, nay. I still persisted because I've got nothing else to do. That works for stick-to-it-tiv-ness, right?

I guess I just wanted to see if there was actual light at the end of that dark tunnel. You hear how there is always supposed to be, and you just hope against all hope that other people are right. I do now see that they were right, after all. I have finally come out of the dark tunnel, or am coming out of it, anyway. I'm phasing into a stage where I am learning to do things with my writing that I always wanted to be able to do, but didn't know how. It's great! And it's FUN to write, again. I love it! Now I remember how it felt to be writing ten years ago when I thought I knew what I was doing and didn't really.

I also now highly suspect the true reason behind why I struggle to finish the novels I start writing. It's because I was always able to see how I wanted to write them, but wasn't able to do it at the time, and thus, would not be able to finish them. I guess I'm just too objective about my own writing and can see how bad it is and how it's not living up to my standards. The only solution is to learn how to write up to my standards, so I'm trying to do that now.

So, that's my long-winded story. What's yours? You a quitter like me, but keep getting back on that horse because horses don't ride themselves?

IWSG: The Fiction Is My Second Language Edition... (#27)

Insecure Writers' Support Group (IWSG) is a really awesome meme that you should be doing along with the rest of us writers. Unless you truly are happy with your writing and don't feel the need to vent about your insecurities because they don't exist for you. But, really.... Don't they?  
IWSG is hosted by Captain Ninja Alex at his blog, Alex J. Cavanaugh.

Oh-ho, I am back from the dead of winter to meet you all in the fair month of March. I told you I wouldn't rear my head again for the rest of the year after that last blog post in December. (I'm so consistent about procrastinating. At least that's something.)

The topic I have chosen to write about today may seem rather odd. What in the world could I mean by saying, "fiction is my second language"? Yeah, what am I talking about? Well, this is something that has recently occurred to me after several years of suppression: I do and always have struggled with writing FICTION over another form of story-telling, that being stage play-writing....

What I mean is that when I first began to tell stories many years ago, mostly back in my college days, I was doing so in the form of dramatic stage plays, not fiction. In fact, I remember taking writing classes that required me to write poetry, fiction and drama and I always sucked at poetry (I snorted as I wrote this), struggled with fiction a fair amount, but truly exceeded my own and everyone else's expectations when it came to dramatic stage writing.

I don't know why, but it came more naturally to me. It just leads me to believe that, like anyone living in a country other than their own native country and who was raised away from that adopted land, the second language doesn't come as naturally as the first.

I decided it wasn't feasible to become a playwright in this day and age. When was the last time you went to the theater to see a play? And, not a musical, because we all know musicals are doing just fine, but I'm not Andrew Lloyd Webber. The stage play has seen better days. I won't even go into how incoherent the typical modern play is by now. You probably know what I'm talking about.... 

It is true that, for me, sitting in a theater and watching a live play is more transcendent than anything else I can think of, other than sitting through a musical, but we already established I'm not musically gifted or skilled. I knew I had to go a more realistic story-telling route, so I chose fiction. Trust me, it IS more realistic than writing stage plays.

Like an immigrant to a foreign land who must adopt the language of the natives in order to live and get by in their new environment, that's what I've been doing for twenty years with writing fiction. It just doesn't come to me as easily as telling a story through the dramatic medium.

This is just an interesting observation I recently made and it has helped me in understanding why I struggle so much with fiction. It makes sense now. It's like I forgot I'm not really from here. I would probably do that if I moved to a foreign country--just utterly forget my American roots if I lived long enough away from them.

But, like any of Hamlet's soliloquies, knowing this is not going to solve any of my problems. Though, I will be more inclined to forgive myself for not keeping up with the natives.

As for the IWSG Question of the Month: Have you ever pulled out a really old story and reworked it? Did it work out?

It's such funny timing because that's exactly what I've been doing. I realized it's been too long since I shared anything I've written with... anyone, really. So, I've pulled out an old fan fiction and am dusting it off (revising it) to share it on Archive of Our Own (AO3). It's time I stretched out these "sharing" legs of mine with something I actually finished once upon a time. If only I could finish something original that I could sell to an audience!

Insecure Writers' Support Group (#3)

"Insecure Writer's Support Group" is a monthly meme host by Alex J. Cavanaugh for writers held on the first Wednesday of every month.

This month for IWSG, I want to blog about perseverance because that's been the biggest issue for my writing, lately. I start a project, write for a little while, maybe completing about 1/4 of the entire draft, and then give up. My reasons for giving up usually vary, but always stem from the fact that the story wasn't working. 

I'm finally NOW writing the first draft of a novella that I'm 3/4 of the way finished with, meaning I haven't dropped it yet. That is big for me! I actually have a real, viable story that isn't full of holes and tears that leak like an old above-the-ground swimming pool. I'm on the right track to finishing it so I can get on with editing, revising and having it critiqued. Yay!

But, that still doesn't solve the problems with my old drafts that gave me trouble before. What about them? I think I still have every intention of fixing them one of these days because the characters and worlds I've created still stay with me, year after year. They are worth going back to and repairing one day when I'm able to understand how they can be fixed. I think I was trying to write those stories before I was ready to. I've needed to develop as a storyteller, which is, as I've come to learn, one of the hardest jobs in the world to do well. 

But, I want to do this well. This is something that means so much to me, even though I can't understand why. That's why I work so hard to figure out how to tell a great story, one that works. And, my older work can either serve as a measuring stick for how far I've come, or give me a chance to practice my story-tinkering skills. 

Read this blog post by Veronica Sicoe, sci-fi writer. It's all about perseverance and not giving up on the difficulty that is writing a good novel. I thought it was particularly brilliant and inspiring. 


What say you? Do you have any intention of fixing up your old manuscripts, or are they your barometers for your progress as a writer?

Never Surrender Blogfest: "This Is My Life"

The Never Surrender Blogfest is hosted by YA author Elana Johnson at ElanaJohnson.Blogspot.com from June 11 - June 16, 2012.

Hey, everyone. This is a post for a really cool blogfest that caught my attention this week. The challenge is to blog about a time, any time, that you didn't give up when giving up seemed like the most tempting thing to do at the time.

Writing about stuff like this is uncomfortable for me because I have to write about my personal life, and I hate doing that. Nevertheless, I love to read other people's inspiring stories. I'm not saying I think my story is so worthy to inspire others because it probably isn't, but maybe I should give a little back instead of always taking, so to speak. 

"This Is My Life"

Once upon a time (way back in 2000), when I was a seemingly healthy 23-year-old, I was attending a local university here in Southern California and just living my life, trying to keep up with school and friends. One day, I woke up and felt very "off." I was getting really tired, more tired than was warranted and I had problems with my blood sugar levels always plummeting way too low. I was experiencing a physical breakdown on an overall scale. I went to a doctor and had a ton of blood tests done, but they indicated nothing was wrong with me.

Something definitely was wrong with me, but doctors either couldn't help me, or wouldn't help me. I suffered a great deal because I seemed to have some baffling illnesses that weren't clearing up on their own, no matter how much time passed. I barely managed to graduate from college, and then I only did because I refused to give up on achieving that goal. Right afterward, I got sicker--much sicker. Doing anything with my life right after college was completely out of the question. I was lucky I could get myself out of bed most days.

Without medical help, I realized that I was on my own. If I was ever going to get better from these chronic, weird, unexplainable ailments that were ruining my entire life, I had to do it on my own. That year just after I finished college (2002) was one of the hardest of my life and I'm amazed I got through it at all. The only reason I did was because I refused to give up on getting better one day. I was determined to be the last one standing because these illnesses were going to leave before I did. 

I sound like I must have had such a "gung-ho" attitude at the time, but really it wasn't like that. I just kept on keeping on, day in and day out, and on the surface, I'm sure I looked like I wasn't doing anything productive at all. But, I was studying all about herbs and naturopathic ways of healing my body--ways not popularly practiced by most people. I taught myself a lot of things and learned more about how to take care of my body than most people ever believe they need to know. 

By 2003, I was doing somewhat better because I figured out how to either manage my ailments, or just outright cure them. You may have noticed I haven't mentioned which ailments I had. They are typically considered chronic and life-altering, but not life-threatening, and I'd rather not get into the specifics of what I dealt with on a day to day basis.  That would require a long tome and would distract from the purpose of this post. Forgive me for not being more transparent and just wanting to keep a level of privacy in that regard.

But, back to my story: I was by no means "out of the woods" when 2004 began. In fact, I had many more hurdles to jump over, but I did cure some more ailments on my own. Oddly, I still had many left to heal and even gained a few new ones. That was the story of my life back then. Heal a few, gain a few new ones in their place. Ugh... I was a walking magnet for all diseases known to mankind! (Of course, I didn't literally have every disease--I'm just exaggerating here.)

I think two of the worst years I experienced were 2005 and 2006. The emotional toll my physical ailments had taken was too much for me and I had several nervous breakdowns. Nothing that required me to be hospitalized, thankfully, but they were bad. Even small nervous breakdowns are traumatizing, if you've ever had one. I say these two years were when I truly knew what Hell was like because I was there. I remember thinking back in 2006 that I was never going to be happy again, and I'd just have to accept that as a fact. I really did not believe I'd ever get over those unstable, crazy, overkill emotions in my lifetime.

But, the funny thing was... I did get better. By 2007, my emotional state improved a lot and I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, even so very small. But, it was something to hold onto, to live for. I still gained a brand new physical ailment that left me almost entirely housebound, but I learned how to nourish my body with the nutrients it needed and my mind started to recover. I learned some Eastern energy healing techniques, which took years to learn correctly, and by 2008, I was finally healing from my physical ailments and my remaining emotional ones, as well. 

Since that year, it is has been a healing journey with every year blessing me with more and more vitality and health. Not that every year since then has been so easy, because it hasn't. Life happens when you're living it, and I've been no exception to the rule. It's just harder to deal with real life problems concerning your family, friends, living situation, etc. when you're already facing so many adversities without them added to the pot. But, they all faded away, too, in time, just like they do for everyone else. 

Today, I'm still not 100% healthy, but I'm healthier than I've been in a dozen years. That's saying a lot for me! I missed out on doing a lot of things that I figured I would do with my life when I was younger: starting a career, getting married, having and raising children. But, I don't feel like I've missed out on these things, even if they are missing from my life. They are simply things I never did, just like how many people never learned to speak Chinese, or joined NASA and traveled into space. I don't mind that I never did those things because I had to have my own journey in life, and I'm happy. 
   
I'm an author-in-training now, and I highly doubt I would be if I hadn't had all these hardships that "got in the way" of my life. Being a published author is my longest, fondest dream. Despite that, leading a "normal" life would have been the death of it because I would have had no drive to accomplish it. Did my hardships get in the way of my life? Or, was it that I was never on the right path to begin with? 

I now understand the saying, "to find yourself, you must lose yourself." I think by getting lost, I found who I was always meant to be. It was that difficult journey of perseverance that made me stronger and showed me who I really am. It got me to realize I need to follow a different road from everyone else. 

This is my life, and I have to forge my own path. It's hard and I always feel like giving up, but it's been totally worth it, so far. And, I know it will continue to be....



If you've read this entire post, then pat yourself on the back for being perseverant, too! I'm shocked you've made it this far with me. ;)